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Sunday, November 15th, 2009
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10:00 pm
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fuck you. you stole my friend from me. it took a long time to get a friend liek that, a long time. and you coem sweeping in with your crazy and assume i must be trying to get into her pants, cause it's not like i just needed a friend to talk to about things or just wanted a human around who i didn tthnk was out to get me all the time, but oh no, you have to tweak out then turn itno this huge dick then all thsi fucking drama. i made my stance, i think your shit, absolute shit. +
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 27th, 2008
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9:23 pm - i got paid to play with fire.
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ok so yeah. today was the second day of customer appreciation day at work, and there was a special guest. juggling TheLally. yeah, i got paid, overtime no less, juggling. i wasnt that great, i didnt make the newspapers, but i made some kids smile, and got to be an opening act for the magician. my boss seemed pleased with me, and i had alot of fun. my hands are kinda burnt and blackened, caue i did the torches for a long while, and i walked around for a bit with the balls and the clubs. alot of parents wanted thier kids to seemed interested, but they were very unammused with me. not that alot of kids didnt dig the juggling, jsut alot of parents wanted thier kids to be having more fun, but it was shitty out and cold. yesterday would have been a better day to juggle, the sun was out and it was beautiful out there, and there was a reptile show. i really wanted to set the ponys free, it seemed kinda mean to make them walk in a circle all day. well i guess they got exercise, and im sure the ponys dig the kids petting them and they can feel the kids excitement, bu i really wanted to set them free, though im sure they woudl have gotten caught, and i bet i woudl have gotten fired... yeah im pretty sure i would be jobless if there were free ponies in reading. but yeah, all in all not a bad day, i need to make more of an act if im gonna juggle for money again, or i have to get really good wiht the torches.
current mood:  ecstatic
current music: tenacious d - kickapoo
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, April 21st, 2008
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7:42 pm - my niece could kick your niece's ass
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yeah so nh, bad ass. so mellow, i wasnt stressed out, i didnt feel like everyone was out to scam me, it was nice. so yeah went up sat drank around a fire pit. well a hibachi, as the neighbor was pissy about shan having an open pit fire, what a lame neighbor. i was really my scene, i like being outside. i dont like buildings very much, thier so confining. but yeah back to my weekend. sunday mornign me and kryss jsut hung out and chatted about the world, and nature and such, i dig her. she seems rather about the earth, we talked of compost and being outside. we walked to the store and got smokes, we smoked alot of cigarettes, alot more than i like to. then once shan woke up we went hiking and found a possums skull and a big blue ball. we made a game of hitting the ball wiht sticks, it was really fun. there were no rules and nothign to make the game anymore than a game. oh man, and the playground, it was a trip. the slides were actually worth sliding, they were 2 zip lines a few bridges, towers, and a tire dragon. oh and swings and tire swings, there was even this cool contraption that was a hammock made of tires kinda. we played, then found a soccer ball and kicked it around. then back to shannons and we had another fire for a bit, then i headed home. it was an absolute blast. im gonna go back up soon, prolly not thsi coming weekend cause i have to work, but the weekend after that i think i might.
current mood:  happy
current music: fuck her gently
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12:11 pm - my shoes are getting confining
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yeah so, can you say awesome? i know i can, and had an awesome weekend. so up in nh is where it's at. like it was so relaxing, so mellow, for the first time in a while, i felt really happy. all that was missing was a hammock. shannon and kryss are just so laid back, and full of life. i was gonna write alot but then i got high and back to the future came on. we'll finish this up later.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 2nd, 2007
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1:23 pm
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well i m pretty sure me and crystal are over. well at least im over her. i've barely heard from her in like 2 weeks, so fuck it. on the up side, hung out with kim last night and that was a blast. i've missed her, she's pretty groovy. yeah thats about all for now. oh yeah i start at petco tommorow morning, not too shabby anyone want some free animals or fishes?
current mood:  loved
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| Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
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8:20 pm - i'm pretty sure i dont care anymore
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i think crystal is cheating on me. i dont really care. i dont really care about anything these days. not in the usual negative way, i just dont cae one way or another. im pretty happy. i dig my job, and im going to see a therpist tommorow. maybe one day things will get better, but till then fuck it. oh, also i set up a grow light in my room, and im growing sunflowers, tomatos, a ptoato in a beaker, mint, chocolate mint, carrots, raddishes, and corn. oh yeah and lettuce. im going to go to cape cod tommorow. im very afraid. i dont trust the ocean. though when i frequent the ocean, it always reminds me of a good friend. 2 actually.
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| Sunday, October 21st, 2007
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4:51 pm - All bets are off.
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so yeah. looks like its gonna pan out like this: Arizona, not happening. 20 percent of this can be attributed to lack of funds, and the rest to i dotn want to run away again. so the plan is to call the army tomorrow, find some sort of employment, and maybe even make some compost. i dont think im going to move in wiht jay and brian and mike, not yet at least. i need to get back on track. annie scratched the hell outa my arms today. sorry, i keep looking at the marks and i had to let you all know.
juggling. i think its gonna hit the back burner at least until after the cold comes and goes. i dont liek the cold very much. oh also, im going to vegas in december. this is 100% i have to do this. theres a juggling camp out there for about 4 days, and i really want to go. im going to set this goal, and nothign is going to stop me. also, i need to get my juggling stuff back from jay. unicycle seems liek a good indoory winter thing to do, the walls with help me with balance till i get it good, and its bette to eat shit on a rug than C ment.
that seems to be all for now.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 20th, 2007
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11:32 am
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why. why is it that when i now things are going bad, i make them worse? and what is happy. what makes you happy. i havent found anything that makes me happy in a while. arizona is seeming like more and more of a good idea. but will it make me happy, or will it just make me 2000 miles away from everyone i know. i dotn know anymore. i've been really depressed for a while now. im not sure why. thats all i really have right now.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 12th, 2007
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8:01 pm - i should be on my way to dc
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turns out trains sell out. like alot more than one would think. i mean shit its a fucking train.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 5th, 2007
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1:11 pm - do you read this
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who reads this thing. i know i do, and i know i read a few other peoples. but do you actually read this?
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| Saturday, September 29th, 2007
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11:04 pm - chainsaws and flaming swords
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"do the mess"
"i can do double spins"
"ok, 2 count off the bat"
"lets try a 3 count"
i bet you have no idea what any of that means. well to me it means alot. theres alot here i dont want to give up, but i just feel like i need to escape. juggling. i love to juggle i would rather juggle than anythign in the world. it gives me no greater joy to make peope smile because i can throw things in the air. just such a simple thing. throwing balls and sticks into the air. and yet to me, its everything.
I learned to juggle in eigth grade. i dont know why. i think i just knew i could do it. and for about 3 years, i could juggle, i could do a three ball cascade, and that was it. then around that time i was seeing a psychologist who could juggle. i was so pumped. i never knew there was more to juggling that just higher numbers. there were clubs and rings, and diablos and poi. there was just so much to take in. then jump to about 3 years ago, i was working nights, and bored, so i started juggling again. i bought a set of clubs, got some rings, and a few balls. i got pretty good prety quick. i learned clubs in about 5 days, could do four after a few weeks, and rings and a few tricks with the diablo, but i could only juggle with people on sundays at mit. so it petered out, and i stopped going and i joined the army and i didnt juggle.
The Vermont Do Nothing Machinea facinating machine it does nothign and woants nothign and nothign is lost or gained but hours of contemplation. and it lead us to go looking for more toys in dannys basement. we found golf balls, and i juggled them. then jay said "teach me to do that". and i did, it took him a few days, and we bought juggling balls at the compleat gamester. me and him both got pretty good. he got balls down no sweat and my drive to be better got me doing four better and learnign new tricks with clubs, which jay also picked up really good. now we pass 6 clubs, and are working on new tricks. juggling really makes me smile.
that wont be in arizona either.
current music: supergrass
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4:55 pm - im very confused
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so around the 19th of oct im going to arizona. im not sure how long im going for but theres a chance i wont be coming back. this is why im confused. there's someone who recently came back into my life who had been gone for a while. i really dig this person, and for a few years have always wondered if they'd come back. i had recently given up and decided they were gone for good. but then they contacted me. it filled me with joy, but then all sorts of confusion. i lived my life around someone else before and it made me miserable. but this person doesnt make me miserable. in fact this was the last person i let get close to me. like i mean really close, the last person i let myself become vunerable around. when this person left my life, i put up a shield and didnt let anyone in. now i want to let this person back in, but i cant, im too afraid it will lead me to close up even more should i be dissappointed or let down. but i can't let someone else influence my decision. i dig the relationship i have with this person now, but i wish it was like it was way back when. when i could open up and let someone in. really let them in, not just let them get close but to open up and let myself show vunerability again. i just dont know.
current music: the science channel
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 23rd, 2007
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10:11 pm - remember alf? well hes back and in pog form!
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so lemme tell you about my awesome weekend. so saturday i made the venture to nh hampshire to go apple picking with Shannon and her friends. it was a blast. we drove up to somewhere, i think berwick and got pumpkins i got a pretty big one, i decided to call him lester. then we stopped at thsi yard sale on the side fo the road, i got 8 records, NIN, j geils band, adam and the ants, foreigner, and some others. then we went to the apple orchard, the place was huge, i wish i lived on a farm so much, i dont think an orchard, i think i need corn, i love corn and love to grow it. but back to the apples it was great cortland and mcintosh. it was great. then the goats there were these 3 goats, i named them, eva goat, annoyance, and basketball. basketball was the best, he was so cute and pudgy, but the big white one kept chasing him away, but me and shannon and rose tricked the white one so basket ball got to eat grass. he was so cute and i wish i had a big bag to "kid"nap the little goat. then we went back to rose and chads. we had apple crisp, delicious, and started carving our pumpkins, i still have to finish lester, then we drank and danced the night away, it was a blast.
fast forward, to next morning got up went to break fast with shannon, then headed home. ok, now thsi is all speculation gathered from my own speculating. jay was at his aunts birthday party. he was bored and juggling jelly jars, his phone rang on on the other end was me say lets go juggle at mit, he made me say it liek 4 times, cause he thought i was outa my mind. so we go to cambridge and go into building 10 and theres three guys passing 12 clubs they only did it for about a minute, but it was awesome. thsi guy jim, with the gnarliest beard ever taught me and jay how to pass to each other, some of the other dudes helped us out too we learned alot of stuff, it was awesome. so i think me and jay are gonna have to go back real soon.
current mood:  tired
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| Thursday, September 6th, 2007
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12:24 am - i didnt really express my enthusiasm.
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yesterday i posted an entry about seeing my friend shannon. i didnt really express how happy i was to see her. i was really shy around her, i dont know why. i kinda alwasy feel weird around people i havent seen in a while, liek i know alot about this person but not much on thier current events, so i dont know where they are at in this period of time space. but thats getting away from what im talkng about. i was like super pumped to see her, i was pissed when i couldnt find petquarters, and that guy gave me weird ass directions to some pet hospital or something. but i made it, when i saw her walking down the street i was so excited, i dont know it was like everything came rushing back at once an entire period of my life raced through my mind, then she hugged me, and it felt so good to be hugged, something lost long ago but suddenly found. then we just hung out, it was a really mellow time, like i dunno i had fun, and i enjoyed myslef, it was just really mellow. throughout the evening though i was very quiet, almost shy, i dont really have anythgn interesting going on i mean i just do what i do, so that was kinda weird i used to be able to talk so freely with her. i dunno, i was sent back when we went to the swings, the first time i kissed her was on the swings in the playground by revere high. i dunno, that brought back alot of feelings, and memories. then when i went to leave we hung out outside for a few minutes then another hug, i dont know when shannon hugged me i dunno, most hugs are short and quick but i dunno it was a long hug, i dunno it just felt good. all in all, i'm really glad i went up to see her, i'll have to go up again after she gets back from portland.
current mood:  thoughtful
current music: survivor man
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
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2:27 am - I Can't Remember TheLast Time I Smiled This Much
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So today i went to New Hampshire to see Shannon. i got there late, and she thought i wasnt gonna show, but luckily i still had Rose's number in my phone from when Shannon first got a hold of me. so called and got directions to dover, and met up with Shannon at store 24. i was so excited to see her i havent seen her in 3 years. so we went to her place, i met rose and briefly someone else, then kryss. kryss myself and shannon went to a bar called the brickhouse, it was pretty rad, i liked the big comfy leather couch, we had a drink, then went to play on some swings, i really dug the swings. then we went back and played guitar hero, i sucked then i got kinda good. then goodbyes were in order, and now im here writing this. i'll have to make plans to see her again.
shannon is rad.
current mood: happy
current music: fuck i missed the first half of futurama
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2007
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11:17 pm - I Haven't Seen You In Years
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so today at work, i for the first time ever ate buffalo. i gotta say, delicious. it tasted like very tender steak, it was basted in teryaki, and served rare. i loved it, next i have to try buffalo burgers.
also upon my return from work, i went on the mysape, and who had sent me a message, but shannon. so seems she thought of me after breaking up wiht her fiancee. thats all i really have right now.
current mood:  nostalgic
current music: dirty jobs
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| Saturday, August 4th, 2007
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12:37 am - i just dont care anymore
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why whould you call me and tell me you have a new phone, i've spent the past month or so pretendign you dont exist why are you reminding me you do exist. i just dont know about you some times.
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| Friday, July 13th, 2007
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6:20 pm - so fuck myspace
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yeah, i deleted crystal's myspace, i admit, it was childish, and i apologized, cause i was drunk, and pretty pissed and depressed, its like finalazing a divorce, we were together for something like 3 years, but anyway, i deleted her myspace. so then a few days ago, she deleted mine, no big deal, exceptyou know now i have to make a new one. wrong very big deal, turns out i was really pissed she deleted mine, so i deleted her new one whoops. also, i bought her a tattoo when i got back from new jersey, with no intentions of it being you know a cute thing between friends, it was more of a im sorry for fuckign up and dumping you lets get back together, and she lets me get her the tattoo, then the next day, she's got a new boyfriend, what a bitch. but long story short, she's prolly gonna delete mine again. but dont worry, this drama should stop soon, well i hope it stops soon. hey crystal, i'm over you, go be the lazy slut you said you wanna be, and leave me alone.
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| Monday, June 25th, 2007
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3:44 am - dear marijuana
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dear marijuana,
well fist off i dint capatalize you name because your not worth it. your not worth losing my career in the army, somethign that truely makes me happy. your not worth losing crystal forever your not worth going to jail, your not worth anything. i truely hate marijuana. i never want to smoke it again. i really never want to smoke or in any other way inbibe pot again. the 2 weeks i spent off it were great. then as soon as i got back home it started again. i dotn want you anymore. i hate you and you're ruining my life stay away. keep away. i dont care who knows it, i'm a fucking addict i cant control myself. sure it's just pot, but i really can't stop. i need serious help. but im afraid. i'm so afraid. of what people wil think of me, of what will happen to me, i'll be labeled an addict they'll know im weak that im inferior. i dont want them to know i dont want anyone to know. no more cigarettes either i dont like them they started when the pot started. i hate both of you. stay away. keep away. i will foever remember this day in the year of our lord 2007 June 25th. thsi is the day i am truely reborn.
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| Sunday, June 24th, 2007
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11:13 pm - misery
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i hate myself and what i've become. theres nothing left in this world for me, nothing to cherish, nothing left to love. the world is shit. my world is shit. every moment im alive is another day closer to death closer to death closer to death. the world mocks me. i love 2 things in life, a certain person and a certain drug, i need one or the other and i can never have both at the same time. i choose C.A.B. i need one or the other. i need one i need C.A.B. i need a bullet, i need some pills, i need to say goodbye to those that might care.
current mood:  depressed
current music: sedated rabbit
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thelally's journal